Joker's Let's Play Series
by Sutori-Artifex
Summary: Join Jeff "Joker" Moreau, pilot of the Normandy SR-2 as he explores some of humanity's most ancient video games... for 2185 that is. ((Partial Pewdiepie tribute! :D)) Rated T for Horror and Language.
1. SCP: Nightmare (Custom-ish Game)

**(Author's Note: This Let's Play game is my own version of an SCP Indie Horror game. All credit to the SCP Foundation. I own nothing except the specific plot and play-through. All SCP Subjects used here are solely the idea of the Foundation. Enjoy.)**

**((Another Sidenote ( exclusive): Yes, this whole thing is a big Pewdiepie reference. I figured Joker would be most suited to the roll. The only reason I did this was to give my otherwise silent watchers something to read while I wrote the next official chapter. But still, enjoy!))**

Things were unusually peaceful aboard the Normandy SR-2. After Garrus had been recruited, there was a slight lull in terms of work to be done. Most of this time was spent training, or building trust between crewmembers.

Jeff "Joker" Moreau was in the Bridge of the Ship when someone stepped in behind him. "Hello, Joker." said a man in white and red robes. In his hand was a wrapped box. Joker spun his helmsman chair and looked the man in the eyes, before looking down at the box. "Alex? What's this?" he said, slowly taking the box from Alexander. "Just a gift for all your hard work, you know?" Alex shrugged. Joker opened the wrapped box and found a few things inside. The box contained a sort of USB-like device, made for downloading software into computers and Omnitools. On the front was a piece of tape. "SCP: Nightmare". There was also a note from Frederico Corado, who had recommended this.

_"This is an old Indie game from around 2016! It was next to IMPOSSIBLE to find a way to get all the data off the Extranet. I knew that it was hooked up to Humanity's old Internet, but the site was what we like to call a 'Ghost-Zone', and the software wouldn't communicate with our Hardware. I know what you're thinking: A century-old game is a sucky gift. But I tried it myself and enjoyed it. You should play it too. Send me your reaction. Alexander got a Computer-Cam for you to use. I will PAY you 100 credits for this if you're man enough."_

Joker looked at Alexander nonchalantly. "SCP: Nightmare? This game is about 170 years old, Alex. How am I supposed to play it, and why am I going to be PAID to play it?" he asked, pulling his hat over his eyes. "Use your Personal Computer. I wouldn't recommend putting it into the ship from here though… tell you what, I'll give you 1000 credits for a reaction vid. 1500 if you put it on the Extranet. YouTube still operates, you know. It -is- the most efficient way to upload vids." replied Alex.

((Later that day))

The crew was taking Shore Leave on the Citadel while John ran some errands, and Joker opted to stay behind. He approached his Computer **(Author's Note (AU):Here, it would be some kind of Terminal, but I felt that stand-up, blocky, holographic computers were a step BACKWARDS, so I decided to keep the idea of a Laptop computer, only with more advanced software and a holographic screen, much like a data-pad.)** and began the download. It took a good 20 minutes to download, considering its age. He set up the Web Camera, and before recording, he had a thought. What if he put this on the Extranet, got Alex's cash, AND accidentally became popular. He wasn't aiming for popularity, or anything, but on the off-chance people liked his vid, he had to appease the masses. He sat for a minute and came up with a screen-name. "Joker will have to do for now, I guess…" he muttered under his breath. He saw the little box appear in the top left corner and his face was smiling back at himself. It was working. He opened up the game and was taken aback by its surprisingly good graphics. "I see Frederico touched it up with some High Definition editing…" he thought to himself as he began recording.

"Hello, to everyone watching. My name is Jeff Moreau, but you can call me Joker!" he said excitedly. "Alright… this is a really old game, but a friend of mine recommended this to me. It's called SCP: Nightmare?" he said, squinting at the screen when the title came up. The title font was large, white, and covered in blood, occasionally shattering into pixels and zipping back and forth. Investigation revealed that this was just aesthetic programming, not an error. He hit start and a shrieking noise was heard, also programming, but Joker did NOT anticipate this. "What!" Joker yelped, jumping back a bit. He was sitting on a well-cushioned seat due to his Vrolik's Syndrome, so it would take more than that to harm him. His eyes were bulging, darting around as he breathed heavily. "Alright… I've seen worse than that… Let's go!" he said, looking at the screen as the back-story came up in an eerie, cursive font. It was written in the form of a letter.

_**"Dear…**_ **data expunged?"** Joker said, lifting an eyebrow. _**"Dear whoever, I have recently become aware that you are in possession of, what I heard was, a Contained Miniature Black Hole…"**_ Joker read, and then stared at the screen intently. "Wait a minute… Don't biotics do that stuff all the time?" he asked nobody in particular. He continued to read. **_"My name is_**** data expunged.** Yeah, that's a cool name. _**I know what the SCP Foundation is, and I would like to offer my services to you. The theory of the Wormhole still stands, and hopefully, using this CMBH, we can discover a way to travel vast distances in little time!"**_ Joker recited, chuckling a bit at that last part. "Well that's what Element Zero is for, foo'!" he teased. "Oh wait, that's right, you're stuck in 2016. WELCOME TO THE FUTURE!" he added. He was unaware of just how ridiculous and out-of-character he was being at the current moment. He stared at the webcam for a second, cleared his throat and assumed a professional expression. _**"I will be arriving at Site *** on **/**/20**... order your guards to withhold sniping me down. I have many, productive, ideas on what we can do with this magnificent specimen…**_ And then it just goes blank…" Joker said aloud.

"Oh, where am I?" he asked as the screen became brighter, and the character woke up in a white room with nothing but a bed, a mirror, and a toilet. "What, I'm in Jail? But what did I do?" Joker snickered as he jumped up and down a few times. He trolled around the room for a minute before a door opened, and a few guards with guns appeared. "Oh God they have guns!" Joker panicked, running behind a corner.

_**"You there, come with us. Testing on SCP-173 is about to begin."**_ said a guard at the front. "No!" Joker called out, defiantly, smiling as he jumped onto the guard. To his surprise, the Guard shoved him off and the character went Third-Person as she tumbled onto the ground. "Oh, I'm a GIRL!" Joker said with a wide, toothy smile. The character stood up and Joker surrendered, walking off with the guards to a large room. In the room were two other prisoners in Orange Jumpsuits. They were staring at this… thing. It was tall, cream-colored, with four green eyes, bloody scars on both sides of the face, and a wide, black slit down the center. Its mouth was foaming, it's arms short and stubby. Its limbs were hilariously out of proportion; in fact the whole beast looked like a giant thumb. It had to have been a good 8 feet tall. It wasn't moving at all…

_**"Please maintain direct Eye Contact with SCP-173 for the duration of the experiment."**_ Said a guard at a control panel above, as he typed on some buttons. "Wait, why won't it move? What's going on, here?" Joker rambled, making his character whirl around. An alarm sounded and the door behind them opened. _**"Uh, there seems to be some technical difficulties… keep your eyes on SCP-173 and we'll have this issue resolved in no time."**_ The guard said. "Oh that's cool, that's cool…" Joker said with a smile. "He's so ugly." Joker snickered, looking at the webcam and shaking his head. An alarm sounded. SCP-173 didn't move at all. Suddenly the lights flashed, and within that SPLIT SECOND the room was dark, a nasty bone-cracking was heard, Joker's character whirled around and saw that the SCP-173 had MOVED and snapped a prisoner's neck. Another flash, and the second is dead instantly. Joker stepped back, wondering what just happened. The lights shut on and off again, and the monster was RIGHT in Joker's face. "WUUEGH! I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY!" Joker screamed, his eyes bulging out as he frantically pressed keys and had his character run like a maniac, watching the SCP thankfully. He twirled in midair and a dramatic, shock sound played as the monster was right in front of him again. "WHAT? HOW DID YOU DO THAT? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Joker cried, running away from SCP-173 and up to a door. He turned to click the button and suddenly, a cracking noise was heard as his character dropped dead on the floor, third-person view.

Joker jumped back in his chair and covered his face as a hyper-realistic picture of SCP 173's face played the role of scary pop-up accompanied by a bloodcurdling, feminine scream. Joker's jaw was dropped as he hid his eyes with his hands. The game prompted a checkpoint load, and Joker accepted. "Oh, I get it! He can't move if you look at him!" Joker was laughing at his own failure, and he played back a replay of his jump-scare. He must have leapt a foot into the air when the pop-up showed.

Joker checked to see if any bones were broken. None were, so he continued to play. This time he managed to get the door open without any trouble from the monster. He ran down the hallway, lit by a red light. Suddenly his screen "blinked" and Joker looked at some status bars to see an eye with a decreasing meter. "Am I blinking? Well, crap." said the Brittle-Boned Pilot as he turned a corner and saw SCP-173 standing there. "What are you doing here!?" Joker shouted, running backwards. As SCP-173 faded from view, it magically managed to teleport in the hallway, dropping down an inch from the air, like it was placed there recklessly. "What was that?" Joker asked, not expecting an answer. He found another corridor and ran backwards down THAT hallway. Thankfully it didn't follow him, but he had another problem. A large, shadow-black, humanoid walked through a wall in front of him and crossed the hallway, leaving two blotches of sticky shadow on both ends of the hall. Joker just stared at the screen before raising his lips in a "not bad" facial expression. "Well I don't _remember_ smoking anything today, at least…" he murmured, audibly enough for the webcam to pick it up. He walked down the hall and found a room with some shelves. He picked up a gasmask and some notes on the SCPs in the facility. As soon as he picked up the first note, the intercom started up, delivering a message. _**"Hello? You survived? Fantastic! Look, I know of a way we can escape, but I'm trapped in a room with the Contained Miniature Black Hole… The guards barricaded the door. I need help! There should be a map of the facility in the next room, but it's with SCP-147. Whatever you do, do NOT bring in any items that were invented after the 1950s!"**_ the voice warned. "1950s? Why would it be the 1950s?" Joker asked himself, his face warping in confusion. "Whatever bro…" he said, walking out of the room and looking around. He found a sealed door with an access key code. Joker opened an item, the note, and guessed a password from some digits on the paper. "147?"

The buttons flashed green and the door opened, allowing him to enter. Inside was a TV, and a REALLY old one, too. Like, one of the very first created on Earth. It was playing an episode of "I Love Lucy", an old 50's sitcom. Joker smirked as memories of his Human History class in school flashed in his mind. "Well, bros, let's watch some Lucy eh?" he said, making his character sit on the couch in front of it. The screen zoomed forward onto the television. "Hey, where's the SCP thing?" Joker asked, his face expressing true horror. It could be on the freaking ceiling for all he knew. He stood up and looked up. Nothing there, it would seem.

**(What he doesn't realize… the Gas Mask was a kind made in the 2000's, the batteries were technologically advanced, rechargeable batteries, and the note… was written in 2015.)**

He looked down, back at the sitcom and calmed down, but only for a second when he realized…

The black-and-white Lucy's eyes were bleeding… in color.

Joker's eyes widened, and he did a double take when he discovered this. Suddenly, the television screen went dark. For a five second period, Joker was in awe at what just happened. The screen flashed, and, horrific, violent images, in high definition color played on it, accompanied by very high quality audio. As a nice, disgusting pop-up, a picture of a bloody baby with empty eye sockets flashed on the screen, prompting Joker to scream. Extremely… _**extremely**_ graphic videos of decapitations, torturing with multiple instruments and substances, and other gruesome pop-ups and videos appeared on this otherwise, seemingly benign Television Set. Joker watched on with horror his main emotion. He finally snapped out of it when a picture of a woman appeared suddenly, and froze the screen for 5 more seconds. The eyes of the picture began bleeding, and the skin of the woman appeared to rot and fall apart until the picture was the image of death itself. It let out this high pitched wail that scared the light out of Joker. His face turned a snowy white and he muted the sound, and cleared his hind-side out of there. His face was still looking at the screen, petrified and sickened.

To lighten the tension, he would later add in a digital art of a Geth's head on the screen saying _"Coming to a Consensus 3"_ while some Elevator Music played.

Joker finally snapped out of the trance and shook his head. "I'm going to have to go back for the map, aren't I?" he muttered. SCP-173 was right behind him when he turned around, and he started running, shouting. SCP-173 began glitching, teleporting in front of Joker repeatedly as he ran. "WHA, HOWDIDYOU, DOODOODOODOODOO WHAT ARE YOU GOING, THAT MAKES NO SENSE!" Joker rambled loudly as SCP-173 just vanished and left him alone. Joker yelped as the game crashed to desktop, thinking it was a jump-scare, or someone was messing with him. He sighed and started laughing as the Adrenaline Rush subsided. "Alright, guys, it looks like I still have some work do to with optimizing this game for the times… thanks for watching, hope you liked the video, leave a like if you did, and… perhaps I'll make another vid in the future. I don't know. If I get good feedback I'll upload some more vids, alright? This is Joker signing off." He said, saluting the webcam. Video Ended.

((Later that Evening))

The crew had returned to the Normandy to find Joker editing his video before posting it on the Extranet's version of YouTube. "Joker, what are you up to?" Jane Shepard asked, to which EDI used the Intercom to answer. "Jeff has been spending his Shore Leave hours putting together a video for a play-through of an old Earth Game: Secure. Contain. Protect. Or, SCP: Nightmare. He is posting his reaction on the Extranet."  
Alexander opened his Omnitool and paid up 1500 credits to Joker, which he took gratefully and smirked at his good fortune. "Is anyone up for a watch? This game is brutal!" Joker declared, posting the vid finally. Alexander and Frederico walked up to the pilot and looked over his shoulders.

Joker began the video. Joker's own stupidity during the video got the attention of Garrus Vakarian, Jacob Taylor, and Grunt. "I don't get what's so special about this." Grunt stated impatiently. Alex put a finger to his lip and shushed Grunt. SCP-173 made its appearance, and Jacob snickered at its comical appearance. Grunt rolled his eyes, and Garrus looked closer at the screen. When the lights flashed, and SCP-173 attacked a prisoner, Garrus jumped back, and Jacob immediately stopped laughing to look on, wide-eyed. Grunt shrugged. At this point, Engineer Kenneth Donnelly and Rupert Gardner began watching from a distance, slowly moving closer. The Vid was up to the part where Joker tried to open the door and the SCP-173 pop-up flashed, scream and all. This time, Jacob launched back, shouting briefly and grabbing Joker's chair tightly. Kenneth cursed in Scottish, and Grunt stepped back. "You humans and your pathetic screaming…" he muttered. "Jacob, what are you doing?" Miranda asked, before being caught by the video and suddenly taking an interest. Garrus and Rupert had to laugh at Joker's hilarious screaming and commentary, as well as the way his face twisted when screaming or reacting to a jump-scare. Everyone immediately stopped and stared at the screen when the mysterious SCP walked through the walls. Miranda's eyes narrowed. "What are you playing?" she asked, to herself. The vid showed Joker as he went into the room with the notes, and everyone listened to the Intercom. "Contained Miniature Black Hole? Did they have biotics back then?" Miranda asked, and Jacob shrugged. Joker entered the room with the haunted TV (SCP-147) and checked that out. Garrus smiled as Lucy first appeared. "Wow, so this is what you had for entertainment, way back when?" he asked. Alexander snickered at something. "Yes, whenever we weren't wetting ourselves when someone spotted a 'Grey'." He said. "Grey?" asked Garrus. "We later found out that they were Salarians come to visit." Alex replied. Suddenly, Lucy's eyes bled in color, and Miranda gagged at how realistic it was. It didn't even look like a crummy Photoshop drip layer. It literally looked as if the blood was coming from the eyes and rolling down the cheeks. It was genuinely on Lucy's face, because when she turned her head, it turned with her, stuck to the cheeks. Lucy looked straight at the "camera" and out of the screen, and then it went dark. Garrus looked over his shoulder at Jacob, Rupert, and Kenneth. "Aye, that's some creepy editin' right there…" Kenneth said in a thick Scottish Accent. "There's more." Joker said with a smile, closing his eyes. The Eyeless Baby flashed onto the screen with a guttural crying sound, and even Miranda jumped a foot in the air. The gruesome, excessively graphic scenes and images played for a while. Kenneth eventually fainted, Rupert excused himself, saying he had to go scrub some toilets, Jacob gave a disgusted look, and Garrus clenched the back of Joker's seat, gagging at how Hyper-Realistic it all was.

"Is anyone else Hungry?" Grunt asked with a shrug, and at that point, Miranda glared at him. Her face was turning a very slight shade of green and she wanted to vomit. The only thing that would lighten the tension was Joker's reaction, and as soon as Jacob pointed that out, they seemed to calm down, even chuckling a little as soon as the animated Geth head popped up on screen with the "Coming to a Consensus" caption. Joker stopped the video so that the group could relax a bit. Playing it once more, they all got a glimpse of SCP-173 as it appeared to Joker, and he panicked, rambling and shouting gibberish as the monster glitched in front of him before flying into the ceiling and disappearing. Garrus exhaled in relief at the comical ending, as the game crashed on Joker. "Alright, I'll like that... but please, no more SCP-147… play something else… I don't even mind that overgrown French Fry 173…" Jacob commented. "What was so scary about that? We Krogan see far worse!" Grunt stated, to which Miranda groaned and covered her forehead with her hand. "I'd like to see you deal with an SCP like that." Alexander laughed, pointing at the Screen. "Easily done when all it takes to die is blink. Just blink one eye and then the other, and snap ITS neck for a change!" said Grunt, punching the air.

"Hey, Fred, Alex, thanks for the game. Let's see what others had to say about this…" Joker said gratefully, scrolling down to the comments. Considering he was Shepard's pilot, he quickly gained attention.

**BlastoFan78:** Whoa, Humans can come up with some sick stuff… **  
Lawle55OmegaGurl:** That 147 thing was disgusting. And It was AWESOME.  
**FreeChees3:** LOL dat face 3:09  
**VorchyTheV0rcha:** The End was the best part. "HOWTHEHEHDIDYOU, BIDIBIDIBIDIBIDI, WHATAREYOUGOINGTHATMAKESNOSENSE" 3  
**CommanderShep888:** Joker, I hereby permit you to make more videos, but I'm banning you from featuring SCP 147 in any of them without a Mature Content label or a forewarning prior to the beginning of the Vid or Scene. Thank you.

That last one scared Joker a little. He replied back:  
**PilotMoreau50** Thanks, Commander, I'll take that into account next time I upload. BlastoFan78: I know, right? Just check this out: watch?v=kffacx…. Don't kill me plz.

Joker smiled at his reply and posted it. "Ha, can't wait for your next one. Try something a bit less disturbing next time, though." Jacob said, patting Joker's shoulder and walking off.

Joker just looked at his screen. "Oh there will be a 'next one'… just wait."

**((A/N: Do not click that link. It leads to something truly horrible... And it sings like "BABY BABY BABY OOOOHHHH".))**


	2. Amnesia: Darkness Falls (Custom-ish)

**((A/N: Not intended to be completely In-Character or a serious thing. It's humor. Don't like don't read but I'm putting multiplayer into Amnesia. :P))**

The Normandy SR2 glides gently through deep space. They had recently picked up a new Ally, the Asari Justicar: Samara. As she meditated in the Starboard Observation deck, Jeff "Joker" Moreau and Alexander Clarke were in Port Observation, two laptop computers before them. Joker was messing around with a download client, and Alexander had already succeeded in the download.

"So, what's the big deal with this Amnesia stuff?" Alexander asked, tweaking Joker's webcam delicately.

"Huge thing with fans of this old YouTuber… PewDiePie, I think it was. One of the scariest things he ever played, and was the backbone of his channel for quite some time," Joker answered, reaching over to Alexander's computer, and pulling up a video for him to watch. "Enjoy," Joker said, smirking, before returning to his own computer. Alexander watched this ancient montage in its entirety. He found the Sophomore Humor a bit dumb, but had to laugh along with some of PewDiePie's screaming. Shocking resemblance to Joker's play-through of SCP: Nightmare, which, at this point, was quite successful, scoring him 1,000 subscribers who anticipated another vid.  
"So what are we downloading, anyways?" Alexander inquired, raising an eyebrow. Joker gestured to his own screen.

"Amnesia: Darkness Falls," he said. "Some guys found Amnesia, and resurrected it. They fixed some of the graphics and compatibility issues, as well as implementing a Multiplayer feature. The game is currently… eh, invisible to the rest of the Galaxy. Only a few hundred really play it, and fewer than that actually do Multiplayer. Because of this, I heard the player limit was around ten." Joker explained, and Alexander nodded.

"You want to go Multiplayer or try Single Player first?" Alexander asked, and Joker snickered.

"Why do you think we're both downloading? You and I are going to fill the Normandy with screams!" laughed the Pilot. The young Assassin muttered something and opened up his Webcam, along with the game.

"Why am I using a webcam as well? You're the YouTuber!" questioned Alex, who pointed a finger at Jeff, who raised his hands in surrender.

"Hey! You're the one who wanted to join in the next episode. Make your screen name and quit your whining."

**Joker's Username: PilotMoreau21  
Alexander's Username: EagleClaw88 **

Joker looked at Alexander's screen for a minute before sniggering at his username. "Does your Brotherhood have a bird fetish or something?" he asked, and Alexander glared angrily.

"What exactly does that mean?" Alexander growled, and Joker's grin became wider.

"Well, first of all, the 'Legends'. Frederico slipped me some non-classified info on them. Altair means 'The Flying One', and there is a star with the same name, part of an Eagle shaped constellation. Ezio means "Eagle" just straight up, Connor Kenway was Native American so I shouldn't even have to say anything there… face it: you guys are obsessed with Eagles. Y'all even try to fly like one," Joker clarified, clearing his throat and mentioning something about the Leaps of Faith they take in between coughs. Alexander rolled his eyes. "Oh, and the ship's Cancerous Tumor* told the Yeoman, who accidentally leaked to me, that you shared some quality time with Kairee a few days back. You know the Turians are avian, right?" Joker added, and Alexander stared back with bulging eyes.

"She has cameras in our ward?" the Assassin inquired, and Joker nodded.

"That isn't an issue, is it?" asked Joker, scratching his neck.

"It's a huge issue!" Alex yelped, "The Illusive Man could know about us!" he added, and Joker whistled in sympathy.

"Ouch. So much for that Tenet of yours… he must have countless footy of you going on and on about your Brotherhood's history. Though, I'm sure he already knows enough about how Mr. ibn-La'ahad could decimate armies with his fists," quipped Joker, rolling his eyes, "Calm down, and play Amnesia."

Alexander sighed, and watched Joker get his camera going.

"Haha, how's it going? I told you I'd make another video!" Joker said, pointing at the webcam jokingly, "This time I'm playing with a buddy, his username is EagleClaw88. We're gonna play some Amnesia: Darkness Falls. I did some research and found out that the game is available for Multiplayer via Extranet with a ten player limit. If you bros want to join a game and hopefully find me, check the link in the description."

Joker and Alexander hooked up their webcams to the top corners of each other's screen, so that both of them could be seen on both computers. Creepy music played as the Multiplayer menu appeared. Choice of Character was permitted. Joker went with "Survivor", and Alexander chose Servant Grunt. Joker looked to his side to stare at Alexander. "Really, bro?" he said, adjusting his Pilot's Cap. Alexander smirked slyly and confirmed his selection. At the last second, two others joined the server, stopping the game from loading the map.

**NightBlade1337, ZakeraStop50, has come online **

"Is this that PilotMoreau21 I keep hearing about?" said a voice, belonging to ZakeraStop50. On his end of the line was a male Salarian, on break from his job in the Citadel.

"Yes it is!" Joker replied into his earpiece. Zakera cheered and thanked Joker for the opportunity to play.

"May I ask who NightBlade1337 is?" Alexander said, in his earpiece.

A familiar voice replied as she hacked her webcam into Alex and Joker's network, taking up the third, bottom-left corner of the screen. She took the liberty to hack the Salarian in as well, and he appeared on the bottom-right corner. Each camera box was small enough to reveal much of the screen, but everyone was clearly distinguishable. "Wait, Kairee?!" Alexander said, jolting in shock. She giggled and waved.

"I snuck the data chit from Joker once you two had left for Port Observation. I wanted to try Human entertainment for once. Besides, Galaxy of Fantasy is only fun for so long." Kairee said casually.

"Wait, didn't that DLC give us 200-300 hours of gameplay?" Alexander asked.

"Actually it does, but I get where she is coming from." The Salarian said.

"What is it with us and super long movies and games? I mean, 'Molt' was 95 hours long… it was a movie… wasn't even interactive," stated Joker, and Alexander did a double take. 95 Hours!?

"Ah, the Map is ready! Does anyone else want on?" Kairee said, tapping her screen. One other person joined, selecting Survivor just as they loaded up. Nobody saw the new player.  
**PilotMoreau21: Human. EagleClaw88: Servant Grunt. NightBlade1337: Human. ZakeraStop50: Human. Brian: Human. **

The game loaded up, everyone voted to skip the intro. Best be as surprised as possible. Joker spawned first, waking up in a bed within a Castle. A Third Person Zoom revealed his appearance as a Gentleman from the late 1700s. The Salarian's character was trapped in a cell in the bottom of the Castle. "Great. I start the game imprisoned of course!" he said, putting a hand to his chin and sighing. "Brian" spawned a ragged explorer type outside the castle in the frigid forests.

"WHO IS YOU?!" Joker called out as Brian jumped up and down a few times, "dancing" for the camera.

"What are you guys talking about?" Alexander asked, putting a finger to his earpiece.

"Some Brian guy hijacked the game last second," Joker said, noting that Alexander spawned separately, as a Servant Grunt. He wasn't into big scares, so he decided to play the bad guy for once.

Kairee's character, a young woman in Colonial-Era clothing, spawned in a bed on the opposite side of the Castle. "Ok… why are we in beds?" she asked, squinting at the screen.

"It's part of the game. I hear that the main characters in pretty much every story lose their memory, hence 'Amnesia'," Joker explained, moving around the room. He shuffled through some closets and drawers, recovering the Lantern and some oil potions. The Salarian found a loose brick to smash the lock with, escaping and making his way around the castle's basement. Kairee found some tinderboxes and sanity potions.

"Sanity potions… what do those do?" Kairee asked, lifting an "eyebrow". Really just a facial muscle, as Turians had no hair.

"Well, if you sit in the shadows for too long, witness scary events, or stare at the monster, ahem, Alex… your character loses Sanity. The potions and solving puzzles help restore sanity. I won't tell you what happens if you fail to do this," Joker smirked.

Alexander spawned in the Library, a large room with plenty of hiding places. He shambled along the halls, looking for his prey. Joker had left the room with the lantern and began aimlessly exploring the castle.

The Salarian's Character stumbled upon the kitchen, and upon entering, his entire screen went red, and knifes and ingredients went flying everywhere, the room was shaking and blurring. The Salarian shot back into his seat and yelped, grasping the backrest of the chair. Joker started laughing; he had not seen what had happened.

"Did Alex find you?" he asked, and Alexander shook his head and stuck out his tongue.

"I'm coming for you!" he said in a creepy, guttural voice akin to Gollum from LOTR.

Kairee hid her face from the Camera, and Joker face-palmed. The Salarian scratched his head in confusion.

Meanwhile, Brian was still trying to get the controls down, dancing around the forest like an idiot.

Alexander's Servant Grunt character had a basic sense of detection, but still had to work to find the others. He began hitting a door in frustration, and Joker's eyes bulged as he shrieked, dust was flying off the door on his end. Alexander smiled in an unnerving fashion, having found Joker. Another hit and his arm breaks through, breaking down the entire door. Joker yells and shakes his lantern in Alexander's face in an attempt to deter him. It fails, and Alexander smacks Joker's character in the face.

"RUN!" Joker shouts, his face twisting quite hilariously as rapid clicking was heard as he tried to get a door open. Another hit, and Joker, in first person, hits the floor, dead. He stares at the screen for a moment before raging silently. He'd later edit in a retro color-screen with the message: Error! Printed in Impact font where his Camera box was. When he came back, he was wearing the earpiece he threw, and he was locked on Spectate mode. "I guess there's no redoes on Multiplayer... Whose idea was this!?" Joker said, angrily.

The Salarian's character found some Tinderboxes in the kitchen when he heard the exchange. "Well, lucky for me, I'm in the basement!" he said, before covering his mouth slit. Alexander grinned again and turned from Joker's corpse, to go try and find a path to the basement. Kairee giggled at the Salarian's facial reaction as she encountered a locked door, which she ripped open with a crowbar she uncovered sometime earlier, when Alexander was beating down the door. Joker centered his POV on her, as she walked down the stairs that the door led to.

The halls were engulfed in darkness, and Kairee's screen began wobbling, becoming blurry at the edges. "What's going on?" she asked, and Joker smiled, stifling a response. She heard a noisy bang, and a Servant Brute began following her down stairs. She screamed, slowly standing up from the shock as she began running. In the background, Jack yelled at her to keep it down and quit being a… well, you know Jack… Joker had to bleep that out.

Jack eventually became curious and looked at the screen, over Kairee's shoulder. "What are you playing?" she asked, squinting as the Servant Brute caught up to Kairee, disintegrating. Kairee was breathing heavily from the adrenaline rush, and found herself in a pool of water that had flooded the room. Splashes of Water were found on the other end of the room, as Kairee yelped and jumped onto a floating crate. Jack snickered. "I thought you were the big bad Turian Femme Fatale?" Jack said, and Kairee frowned.

The splashing ceased as Kairee escaped the water, and Joker centered his focus on the Salarian, who had found a way out of the basement, and found the Library. He began tossing books off the shelf in a comical manner, making sound effects as the books hit the ground. He was looking for a lever of some sort. "Dude, you know you're just chucking books in the monster's face, right?" Joker teased, and the Salarian shrieked, turning around to see nothing. "I hate you! Not funny!" he said, pointing at his webcam.

Alexander heard the cries of fear, and made his way back upstairs, backtracking to the library, where he saw the Salarian's character jumping up to grab some books.

Meanwhile, "Brian" finally got the controls down, and was walking around the castle, aimlessly.

"Where are the notes in this place?" the Salarian asked as he turned to see Alexander's Monster directly in front of him, about an inch away, looking down at him in a terrifying manner. Alexander himself had the oddest of smiles warping his face.

"WHOOOAAAAA," Joker roared, leaping back on the couch. The Salarian stood up and threw down his earpiece, cursing in his native tongue. Kairee just burst out laughing at the three's reactions, falling into the water in the process. Jack couldn't hold back her snickering, and drew the attention of several other people on the Normandy.

Joker replayed the scene in Slow Mo, showing the first-person view of the Salarian's Character as he turned to face the Servant Grunt. Alexander's passionately scary stare covering his camera box, Joker's lips parted, and his mouth formed a perfect "O" as he shouted, the slow-motion distorting the sound to sound as if a Krogan's stomach was rumbling. The Salarian jumped up rather quickly, even for slow motion, and the earpiece was seen floating down the Camera box as the muffled curses were also distorted. An annotation was applied, "worth a favorite? XD"

Kairee's character was bitten by the water monster, killing her character as it sank into the water. She screamed in a high pitch, which caused Alexander to laugh hysterically, having had enough of the hilarity. "It's just you and me!" Alexander said as the Salarian's character began running like a fool. Brian ran into him in the hallway, blocking his movement as the Servant Grunt neared them.

"*bleep* YOU BRIAN!" The Salarian shouted in a panic, and Joker threw his head back to cackle frenziedly.

"God darn it, Brian!" Joker added weakly, inhaling while laughing, making him sound like a total dork. Alexander closed in on the two and killed them in a single, critical swipe. The two glitched together as they flopped into the air, as their limbs stretched and vibrated as they twirled around, breaking apart at the textures.

"WHAT," Joker yelped, looking at the screen in disbelief. Kairee had begun spectating at around that time, and she burst out laughing. Jane Shepard had walked over, and put her hand on her mouth as the whole thing went down.

"WHAT, THE WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!" Joker reiterated, looking deeply at the screen. He hit his head against the keyboard and continued hooting like a moron.

"What the heck, Brian…" Kairee said, hands to her mouth as she giggled.

"I won!" Alexander said, throwing his arms in the air. "I won!"

The game ended soon after, at the urging of Joker, who then delivered the Outro.

**Meanwhile… **

A Holo-Screen reviewed the footage of Joker's recent vid. Zooming out, it is revealed that the Illusive Man is the one watching it!

"Do a thorough search-string on "EagleClaw88 and NightBlade1337," TIM commanded, and the VI shuffled through some files on the Extranet. It was almost empty, besides some old records. Alexander Clarke… ex Alliance…

This is what he needed. "Mr. Clarke, the Assassin," The Illusive Man said, "EDI's reports were right… there were Assassins on board. Ha… perhaps they will be of some use after all…" TIM added, talking to himself. He pushed a button on his armrest and called Miranda Lawson.

"Illusive Man, how may I help you?" Miranda asked when she answered the call.

"I am aware of the presence of the Assassins," TIM said ominously, and Miranda froze.

"Is there an issue?" she asked, smiling weakly.

"Not yet. As much as I hate to admit this, we'll need all the help we can get, and the Assassins have the skill we need. Hell, actually, all we need to clear out the Collector Base would be a handful of Master Assassins…" TIM admitted, albeit reluctantly. "But this is for Humanity, not the Assassins."

"What do you need me to do?" Miranda asked innocently.

"Have Mordin run a DNA test on him… if my suspicions are correct," The Illusive Man said, pausing.

"Tell Shepard to stop on Illium… I'll have a few contacts deliver the Animus on your next visit." TIM said, smirking, and hanging up.

Miranda was left speechless, but she shook her head and called for John Shepard.

**COMMENTS WALL**

**MoltenEezo4987: **LOL, even funnier than the last one! I lost it when Brian blocked ZakeraStop xD

**PsychoticBiotic: **That was me laughing next to NightBlade1337. ****in' funny stuff, Joker. Wait... what the **** is up with the ****ing censor?! SHEPARD!

**SilentButDeadly62: **lol "WHAT IS YOU" gets me every time. Dat jump thou.

**TrOlLbAnE96: **ROFL. WTF GOLLUM!? EagleClaw88 just wins, I'm sorry. xD

**NightBlade1337: (In Response to: TrOlLbAnE96) **Who is Gollum?

**EagleClaw88: (In Response to NightBlade1337) **Remind me to rent that vid and we can watch it together, sweety. It's a Human Classic.

**FireAndIce: (In Response to EagleClaw88) **But... she's a Turian... and you are a human... EWW. UNSUSCRIBE.

**EagleClaw88: (In Response to FireAndIce) **Unsubscribe*. lol wtf did you just say? I can snipe you... with a shotgun.

**TrOlLbAnE96: (In Response to FireAndIce) **Inb4 Hate Storm.

**FireAndIce: (In Response to EagleClaw88) **Cool Story, Bro. Is it on Audiobook yet?

**PilotMoreau21: (In Response to FireAndIce) **Don't you some Fornax to go drool over?

**ZakeraStop50: (In Response to FireAndIce, PilotMoreau50) **Lacks Sex Drive. Still Gets Joke. Go home, FireAndIce.

**PsychoticBiotic: **I don't know what's funnier, the Vid, or this ****storm over NightBlade. FireAndIce probably has a whole stack of Fornax under his bed anyways.

**FireAndIce: (In Response to PsychoticBiotic) **Who told you that? How did you know?

**PsychoticBiotic, PilotMoreau21, EagleClaw88, ZakeraStop50: (In Response to FireAndIce) **We didn't know, and You just told us.

**NightBlade1337: **Inb4 riot. (I'm getting the hang of Human Extranet lingo )

**EagleClaw88: (In Response to NightBlade1337) **Babe, nobody uses the words: "Human Extranet Lingo" anymore. I still love you doh :3


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